Why Recovery Requires Community
“I don’t need anyone; I can do this on my own.”
When clients tell me this, I become concerned that they haven’t built the resources necessary to support their recovery. This statement also ignores a basic human truth. We are social beings, and we do not thrive in isolation.
Sometimes, the belief that they don’t need anyone is the result of abuse. They may have also been negatively impacted by relationships, had relationships that fostered substance use, or they are recovering from codependency.
These are only a few examples, but ones I frequently see. Trust is inherently lacking. They may ask, “If I’ve been hurt in the past, what is to stop people from hurting me again?” They may conclude, “I just always seem to open up to the wrong people.”
It is fair to think this. I understand that not every relationship is positive or beneficial. However, when it comes to relationships, it isn’t dissimilar to the concept of substances in general. When one puts down a problematic substance with no other changes, not focusing their energy in positive ways, they navigate their recovery in a way some may call “white knuckling it.”
The same is true for relationships. Removing problematic relationships is only part of the equation. Without fostering positive relationships, there is an inherent void that will again be filled with dynamics that continue to cause pain. You cannot white knuckle your way through loneliness.
Entire books can be written on the importance of relationships, so I won’t complete a full deep dive. I will, however, discuss the importance of relationships in regard to formation of the heroic identity. Allies have the ability to support the hero on their journey, even in ways they do not expect.
When someone earnestly enters into recovery, they are taking on their personal hero’s journey. They are walking a path that hopefully leads to an identity they prefer, rewriting their narrative as an individual that can improve their life and be free of substance use. If the individual commits to this process, they may begin to cast aside the old self to construct something new in its place.
In this process of identity formation, allies support the individual through validation. When I say this, I do not mean validation in the sense that they tell the individual they are doing everything right, oversell their achievements, or remain overly positive. These forms of validation are not helpful to the hero in recovery.
What is helpful is validating that they see the formation of the new identity, informing the individual that they are observing positive changes to their identity. This is validation in the sense that the hero may become aware that others are seeing their growth. Inherently, they are saying “You are working toward this? I’m beginning to see aspects of it.”
It is empowering to know that others can see positive change you are working toward. This helps with the formation of the preferred identity. However, the types of relationships that provide this validation are important to consider. This needs to come from individuals that will not tell you there is progress when they see none. Additionally, this validation should come from individuals that want to see you succeed.
For many on their journey, finding these supportive individuals is as unique a challenge as recovery itself. Sometimes, unfortunately, it may be trial and error. We will sift through unsupportive, or even harmful, relationships before we find the gems. It is important not to give up after committing to the wrong relationships. These relationships have formed in the past and they will occur again.
After bad relationships, you keep searching and form bonds with others that support your identity development. Discover the types of people that lift you up instead of tearing you down. When negative relationships present themselves, learn when you need to walk away.
You do not have to work your recovery alone.